...hence he said

Dil Unko Dhoodatha Hai, Hum Dil Ko Dhoondate Hain
Bhatke Hue Musafir, Manzil Ko Dhoondate Hain.

Duniya Se Hai Niraala, Dastoor (hum :P) Ashiqon Ka
Jeena Ke Arzoo Mein, Kaatil Ko Dhoodaten Hain!
__

Ae baarish zara tham ke baras,
jab mera yaar aaye tab jamm ke baras.
Pehle na baras ke who aa na sake,
phir itna baras ke who jaa na sake!

Reach Out for the Stars

Aaj mein upar, aasma neeche
aaj mein aage, zamana hai peeche

Pre marital is better than post marital!!

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean

17 times it was too late

49 times you were too tired

20 times it was too hot

15 times you pretended to be sleep

22 times you had a headache

17 times you were afraid of waking the baby

16 times you said you were too sore

12 times it was the wrong time of the month

19 times you had to get up early

9 times you said weren't in the mood

7 times you were sunburned

6 times you were watching the late show

5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo

3 times you said the neighbors would hear us

9 times you said your mother would hear us


Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there

8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling

4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with

7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished

1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

---

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:


I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:


5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat

36 times you did not come home at all

21 times you didn't cum

33 times you came too soon

19 times you went soft before you got in

38 times you worked too late

10 times you got cramps in your toes

29 times you had to get up early to play golf

2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls

4 times you got it stuck in your zipper

3 times you had a cold and your nose was running

2 times you had a splinter in your finger

20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day

6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book

98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV



Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

What Women Wants?

Original List (age 22):

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses smartly.
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover


Revised List (age 32):

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at her jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one good tie & socks
8. Appreciates her home-cooked meals, makes tea for her
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week (with her ofcourse !)


Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly ( bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until she's seated in the car
3. Passes the TV remote to her willingly when she asks.
4. Nods head when she's talking (vertically, not horizontally ! )
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Still agrees to visit her parents house.
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends


Revised List (age 52):

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when she's talking
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh undergarments
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Talks to her relatives when they call up on phone
10. Shaves some weekends


Revised List (age 62):

1. Remembers where the bathroom is
2. Doesn't spend much time in the bathroom
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes (his clothes)
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend


Revised List (age 72):

1. Breathing
2.Doesn't miss the toilet
3. Still Loves her :-)

One Liners

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

Three rings: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, Suffering.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.

When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

Business

How men and women make business?


Man discovered weapons - invented hunting.
Woman discovered hunting - invented furs.

Man discovered colors - invented painting.
Woman discovered colors - invented make-up.

Man discovered speech - invented conversation.
Woman discovered speech - invented gossip.

Man discovered agriculture - invented food.
Woman discovered agriculture - invented diet.

Man discovered trade - invented money.
Woman discovered trade - invented shopping.

better do not gift her

A man on his wife's birthday had no money to buy a gift for her. So he takes one blank cheque and writes "1000 Kisses".

When he returned home, he asked about it & his wife said "Thanks! I got cashed from Bank Manager"!

rich n free

Dear Husband,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.

You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.

Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone.

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife

---

Dear Ex-Wife,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been.

I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" But my mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $50 from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.

My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother, was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

The airbag

A Married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.

Up to 60 mph.

"I want the car, too," he continues.

Then 65 mph.

"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

Contractual

Wife : Honey! what are you looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing... ?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour now!
Husband : I was just looking for the expiry date.

PS: Its a personal joke between me and my girl about contracts! I tell her I am gonna get bored of her in 25 years so lets go for 5-year live-in-contracts :P Five must be a good figure and 5-year plans must be a good thing, after all the carts of our country are rolling on the wheels on 5-year-plans since forever!

Mom versus Wife

What is the difference between a mother & a wife?
One Woman Brings you into this world crying... and the other ensures you continue to do so!

dinner choices

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.